How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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