I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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