I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
