Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
