dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
