To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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