I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
