any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
