u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
