i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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