im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
