omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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