go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
