I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
