Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
