my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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