Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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