Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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