It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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