my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
