Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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