We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
