Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
