after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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