even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
