Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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