ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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