If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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