I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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