dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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