He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
