I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
