She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
