Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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