btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
