I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
