batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
