Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
