WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
