Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
