I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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