if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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