My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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