Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
