umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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