matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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