explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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