im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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