if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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