What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
