I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need a beard to bite.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
